Well, it has been a very, very long time since I have posted any words to this little blog of mine. I have thought of posting many times, but getting words on the page doesn't come naturally for me. I tend to process inwardly, thinking through things quietly, mulling over them, settling them, then moving on. I also have a hard time sharing things about my children in a public forum. Facebook posts are easier, because I know the people reading those, and because they don't really require much thought.
That said, I had a little experience in a restaurant tonight that I really want to share. I had taken the 2 oldest children to tae kwon do, then the youngest 4 kids and I went out for dinner. The lady behind the counter kept looking at Joel, not in an ugly way, more in a curious way. She waited until we were seated and I was finished passing out food, then she said, "How old is your youngest?" I knew in my heart that she meant Joel, but he is actually 5 years older than Joshua (and he is the oldest of the 4 kids I had with me at the time), so I gestured to Joshua and replied, "He is my youngest and he will be 4 on Sunday." Because I could tell what she was about to ask next, I thought I would save her some time, so I went on to tell the ages of the other kids, from youngest to oldest, ending with Joel who will be 9 in a couple of weeks. "He is really small, isn't he?" the young lady asked. I was thinking to myself how I really didn't want to get into his past right now, I just wanted to eat my sandwich. He was behaving pretty well and I knew our time was limited. "Yes, he is." Bite. Chew. Hope we're done. "Does he have, umm, what's the word?" she continued. "He has Down Syndrome," I answered with a smile, and kept on eating, thinking we may be finished with the conversation. "Well, I meant that other thing...What is it called? Ausi...?" Wow, at this point I was really shocked because I have never had a complete stranger ask if he has autism before, but I know that is where she is going with this.
Now, I have to say that we have not pursued an official autism diagnosis for Joel, because his pediatrician and I agree that there is no reason to do so at this time. He does definitely exhibit behaviors that would point toward being on the spectrum, but that is no surprise considering the first 7 years of life experience (or lack of) that he experienced. He continues to come out of his shell, more and more, and he has made so much progress that we aren't really focused on a diagnosis, just on helping him where he is.
So, back to the dinner conversation, I still didn't feel like getting into the whole back story, not because there is any shame (there is NONE - we are PROUD of our son, and we are thankful for adoption), just because it was 5 pm and I really just wanted to eat. I said something along the lines that he probably does have some degree of autism, and he does have Down Syndrome, and she commented that he appears to be pretty clever. I confirmed that he is very clever, and he figures things out well, then took a nice big bite of sandwich, sure that we were finished.
We weren't.
"Does he talk much?"
"No, he is not verbal."
"So, he doesn't say anything?"
"No, he is learning to sign and he is learning to show us things, but he doesn't talk." Bite. Chew. No eye contact.
At this point, I am surveying my children's plates to see how much they have left (in other words, how much longer are we going to be here?).
I must tell you that the girl was not intending to be rude in any way. She was polite in her tone, she kept smiling at Joel, and I could tell that she was thinking kind thoughts. It was my own thoughts that were rude, or maybe selfish is a better word. I just wanted an easy dinner out. I just wanted to eat my food and not think of harder things, of sadder days.
She went on to tell me about other people she had met with autism who could talk and how she thought Joel would probably talk one day as well, while I was thinking in my head how we could have saved all the money and time spent on therapy if only we had met this lady first... :)
It was at this point that I knew I was going to have to tell her more. If I had listened to the Holy Spirit before, I would have known before this point in the conversation that I should have shared.
"Well, he actually spent 7 years in an orphanage, and we have only had him for 20 months. He could not hear very well for a long time before we got him, maybe his whole life, we don't know. His nutrition was very bad, and he was not in good health, so even though he can hear now, he has only been able to for about a year. We don't know if he will talk, but he is learning to communicate, and he is really making progress."
She looked so surprised, and I am thinking that this will either end the conversation, or we are really going to be here a while because she is going to have many more questions.
"I think that is wonderful of you - what you did", she said.
Honestly, this is the statement that I am the LEAST comfortable with of any that people make to me regarding adoption. It was not our idea to adopt Joel. It was the Lord. He put that clearly on our hearts, then HE provided all of the resources to bring Joel home, and He has provided what we have needed to parent Joel.
We love Joel. He is our son. He is not a charity case to us. If any of my children were anywhere on the face of the earth and needed me, I would go get them. I would do whatever it took to get to them. That is not heroic. That is parenting.
I had to tell her this. So, I shared that the Lord had really done this work of bringing Joel to us. That we had known about Joel for 8 months before we committed to his adoption. That we had prayed for him to have a family daily, and that the Holy Spirit had clearly told us after that 8 months of prayer that Joel was for us. That we were his family. I told her that God then provided the resources for us to adopt him, and that we are so thankful for Joel, so thankful that we are his parents, that we are the ones who are blessed by him.
Then she said the very last thing that I expected.
"I think that is so wonderful. Because I am adopted."
Other customers came in to the restaurant and our conversation stopped there for a time. When the customers left, I knew I had to say more, so I walked over to her and asked her a few questions about her story. I will share that she was adopted from foster care in early childhood, but not before she had been through 70 foster homes. She said that she had a hard time attaching to her adoptive mother for the first couple of years, but that she did eventually, and she was thankful that her parents had adopted her siblings as well, so they were able to be together.
Then, I was able to tell her that I know her adoptive mother is thankful for her, because adoption is one of the best things that has ever happened in my own life. She smiled, and I left there so very glad to have shared a little of our story.
And I just wanted to share that with you, as well.
I know that adoption is born of loss. I know that my son has hurts, deep hurts, that may never fully heal in this lifetime. But, I also know the joy of being a family. Joel knows the joy of having a family, of being loved in a family.
And I am thankful.
Thankful for adoption.
